Remember When? A letter to You

Remember when you said you would marry me? 
Remember when you proposed to me over the phone? 
"Would you do me the honor of being my forever?"
Remember when you said I had the key to your heart?
Remember when you said you could see us having children together? 
"I could imagine the kids coming up the stairs to see us, telling us to come downstairs and make pancakes"
Or when you said that you would be the strict parent but you wanted me to be the mother of your children because they also needed a parent with a very gentle heart
You made everything sound so romantic
I can't do it justice, your way of speaking, the lovely words you used to tell me these things
You were always so poetic, weren't you? 
But the moments seem so empty now, when I look back on them. 
You just said what you thought I should hear to keep me around. 
Remember when you hurt me? 
Remember when you came off the train that morning to see me after you slept with someone else?
Remember when you told me your biggest fear was dying alone? 
Remember when you told me you trusted me with your life?
Remember when you lied to me? 
Remember that time you lied about a suicide attempt, you were upset after we were in an argument so you pretended you took too many pills over the phone and we only know you lied because you were angry about it after the 911 personnel showed up at your house.
Remember the time you actually did overdose on sleeping pills but you blamed it on me?
That summer when your family kicked you out of your house and you were staying with me in student housing but none of my housemates were around.
Worst summer of my life.
It was two months after this situation happened that you threatened my friends, they called the cops and this whole relationship ended.
But during that summer
You were annoyed at me over any little thing those days.
This particular time I believe it started over something stupid, you didn't want me to replay a song you didn't want to hear anymore. I played it anyway and said I would do what I wanted to
You were inching closer to me, with your hands clenching.
You wanted to hit me but I snapped at you, told you that you aren't going to touch me.

(I never snapped at him that way I was always too afraid of how he would react, when I would mildly defend myself he would use my love for him against me and threaten that he would leave my life forever if I ever did or said the "wrong thing")

You were even more angry at that so you walked upstairs and started punching the floor instead.
This shook the whole house.
I was afraid.
I went to the other room, called my best friend and hid a knife under the desk.
I stayed in that room for a couple hours.
Eventually you came in and you wanted me to forgive you and go to bed with you and I wouldn't.
That upset you.
You said you couldn't sleep without me going to the bed with you.
I ignored you.
So you took the pills.
I didn't see it when it happened.
It wasn't until hours later that you came up to me and I noticed something wrong with you.
At some point I called 911
We went to the hospital and the doctor told me if I waited any longer you would've been dead. 
We left the hospital the next day, went back to the house and you blamed the whole thing on me.
Told me that you couldn't sleep because I wasn't with you so you had to take the pills and then took more when you didn't feel the pills working. 
But none of that was my fault.
But just like the other arguments we had, of course you would make your reactions to what I say into something that was my fault
I never wanted you to die that night and I still don't.
I still don't deserve the blame either.
.
.
.

You are not responsible for other people's actions, sometimes things are just out of your control and it is not your fault.